After watching almost all my coworkers "work from home" at some point over the last few weeks because their children were sick, it occurred to me I was being treated unfairly. I am being oppressed. I can't just work from home whenever I want and blame it on my kids. "Love to come into work today but you know got this kid, sniffles, day care won't take him. Call my cell to wake me up and I'll let you know what I'm working on." It's terrible, it's unjust, and quite frankly, I'm not taking it anymore. Does anyone ever verify the child is sick? No. People take maternity and paternity leave, but does anyone truly verify the child exists? I don't think so.
I figure I have a few options, last on the list being marriage and children. Number one on the list is to manipulate the loophole I mentioned above, namely that nobody ever really asks for proof the child is sick. However, everyone knows I don't have a child but what they don't know is how little I care for this collective "reality" we share. I am hoping to take a 2-4 week trip to Central America at the end of April for a friends wedding and some travel, and I figure why couldn't I be on "paternity leave?"
I thought about asking for paternity leave on the basis of some artistic, metaphorical rebirth. This would entail me arguing, and my company buying into the fact that I will be "reborn" after my trip, basically I would be "giving birth to my true self." I don't think those jokers would go for it, they don't have the ability for abstract creativity like we do. So I thought, why not just say I am actually having a child? Who is going to check? I'll say some tramp seduced me one night as I walked around Philadelphia and then she disappeared until just the other day she tracked me down. And she wasn't really alone. I'm going to be the father of an illegitimate child that is due around April 28th, which is conveniently when my friend gets married. Who is going to check? I'll take a picture of some baby in Honduras and who is going to know? I'll make up stories about the birth, complain about our pediatrician, whine about how quickly they grow, same as my coworkers. "Hey, do you know a good pediatrician? Mine is fabulous but he's so hard to get into see. Sometimes, I think he is just doing it for the money." "Isn't this picture adorable? They get big so fast don't they?" with a nostalgic sigh. I've got it down.
The only problem I can foresee is my coworkers might ask how I got so tan being on paternity leave. I thought about going abstract again, using my son (sun?) as an excuse and saying he was actually born as a true sun. Nothing but a big ball of hydrogen and helium glowing in the dark, no wonder my fake one-time lover was always so warm during the pregnancy. It's abstract, but who is going to call a new father on that? Then I could use the ongoing son is sick routine whenever I felt like taking a day off. If I got tired of the child, I could just say he got sick, turned himself into a black hole and disappeared just like most teenagers.
It seems to me this is a pretty foolproof plan. I am just a little concerned with the fake mother of my imaginary child. She doesn't want to get married and make an honest man of me, and her language is terrible, she swears constantly and sleeps with men she just met on the street. What kind of environment is that for a child, even a make believe one? I can't take care of the child, I'm not ready. Arrgg, the stress of even conceptualizing my imaginary son drives me crazy. Sigh. Maybe I can't pull this off. I'll have to find a plan B. It's so unfair though.
2 comments:
Maybe you can send $1 a day to cambodia or something and "adopt" one of those orphans. Or something.
This post, through the blog and discussion, has gotten quite a response. One legal scholar friend laughed and said since you aren't paid for paternity leave, you might as well go with a sabbatical (you don't get paid for m(p)aternity leave? What kind of country is this?!). Another legal scholar friend said I could get sued for fraud! Another one looked at me like I was seriously going to do this and said she was disappointed in me! Me! Disappointed in me! Crazy. I'll look into your idea, I could be the new imaginary Angeline Jolie...
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