If you were to ask me what made me happy, I would give any number of responses. They would all be lies. I think the only thing that truly makes me happy is looking for something else to make me happy. I look for happiness in new places to live, new places to travel to, a new job. No matter how happy I should be, I am never satisfied. I gave up on a lot of things that make other people, most significantly any serious notion of ever truly dating again, because this attitude doesn't work with dating. It doesn't work with a lot of things. It requires leaving friendships and family and routines and constantly starting over. I used to do it out of shyness or social awkwardness, real and perceived. Now, strangely, I think I do it out of habit. My personal routine is solitude. It's not as lonely to me as it is to others, so it's not fair to judge me from your perspective. Sure I get lonely, but I know lots of people who are married in serious relationships and they aren't any less lonely than I am. They are around someone more, but that doesn't have anything to do with loneliness. I have been lonely in large groups of people, all friends, because that was my mood at that time. I was also perfectly content for over a week on a beach in Mexico with a notebook, a good book, a hammock, renting a room on the beach from a family where I didn't speak Spanish and the family didn't speak English. Someone called it an introverts dream. In a way, it was. Could I live like that forever? Probably not, at some point I would miss the solitary beauty of wandering around a city, losing myself in the anonymity of it all, passing empty faces I'll never see again, smelling the city and watching it all pass by even as I pass it by. I couldn't live like a hermit forever. But recently, I've been wondering if it isn't time to do it again. I have been back in this city for a while now, and I'm content but I'm not excited. Again, that is my routine. I don't want that to be my routine. I don't want to have a meaningless job. I don't want to sit in front of a computer all day. I do it so I can afford, every once in a while, to go live on a beach or a mountain with a notebook and a book, alone. I am introvert because I re-energize myself internally, not in groups.
I have been thinking about my life recently because one of my best friends is separated from his wife, while two other good friends recently got engaged. 3 lives heading in different directions, all directions different than my own. Should I have pursued any of those paths? Should I pursue one now? One of my best friends just left Philly. My boring logical mind tells me to stay, my routine locks me in place. My body is getting restless, my feet and my mind long for something new. I don't know what will make me happy, I just know it's something else.
You know what is really odd about this, I was very happy for both of my friends who got engaged. Truthfully, I was happy for my other friend as well. I liked his wife too, it's not that. Instead, I think this is something he has been considering and struggling with for a while. Life is a journey, it's cliche but I think it's true. One of the great advantages of being alive now is that we have the ability to pursue our happiness. Indeed, we owe it to ourselves to do so. It's not important how you define happiness, only that you constantly seek it. Years ago, people stayed in situations for appearance, people stayed because everyone stayed. Now, we don't have to. We live in an amazing time. I can travel anywhere in the world. I can live on beans and tortillas. I can sweat all day and not care how I smell. I am free. We should all be free. Are you free? Are you happy? If not, what are you doing about it?
1 comment:
I think about these things often, too. I think it's hard to seek happiness. Or, should I say, *true* happiness.
I have often though about just packing up my stuff and moving away to start new. But will that really do anything for me? Will I really be any happier? I've been here for almost 9 years now, and I'm glad I stuck around. I have managed to fill my time with wonderful friendships, and great activities. I think our city is great because there is so much to offer here. I've taken advantage of that and grown as a person that way. If you don't like your friends, you can go find new ones - heck, I bounced around from friend group to friend group a few times before I "settled" into the ones I have now. And I'm pretty darn happy with them.
And the beauty of it is, I love solitude, too. I'm an interesting mix of intravert/extravert. But if I don't get some alone time, I get fussy. And I, like you, appreciate the ability to walk down the street and not bump into anyone I know.
As for relationships, who the hell knows? I'm still waiting for true happiness there, too. Does it sound weird to say that I would go into a marriage expecting to get divorced one day? I don't believe you can spend your life with one person just because you change so much in your lifetime. I just don't see how people do it, unless it's for "the kids" or for show or something. I think the perfect relationship for me would be something of the Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell variety where I never get married to them, but we stay together for a long time.
In the end, I don't know what the answer to your question is. Just keep exploring the world for what it is. But I don't know if moving away is necessariy the answer. You ahve a great friend base here, ti seems to me. that's always hard to rebuild!
Yawn, I'm tired! and have been sick with a nasty cold. I hope my comment made sense to you. : -)
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